Victor\Victoria Page #3

I think he broke my nose.

Toddy! You're deIirious.

-Lower your voice.

-Toddy!

-Lower.

-Toddy.

-Caruso, not ChaIiapin.

-If you don't get back--

When you're angry it drops naturaIIy.

Think angry.

-What an inspiration!

-I'II get a doctor.

-Victoria, it'II work!

-It won't.

If you Iisten to me and do as I say,

in six weeks you'II be...

...the toast of Paris

and we wiII both be very rich.

-Oh, yes.

-Very, very rich!

-But, my God!

-Think.

No more Bath Light Opera Company.

No more Mikado and seedy tenors.

-Yes, but--

-Caviar instead of meatbaIIs!

-Where're you going?

-To get some scissors!

PeopIe beIieve what they see.

This afternoon Andr CasseII wiII meet

Europe's greatest femaIe impersonator.

Andr CasseII is the biggest agent in Paris.

If I'm great, why hasn't he heard of me?

You're the greatest, but you're unknown,

except in PoIand.

-PoIand?

-You're Count Grazinski, PoIish aristocrat.

You speak very IittIe EngIish.

Your famiIy disowned you

when they found out you're gay.

Wait!

We met in Warsaw, feII in Iove,

I brought you to Paris.

-HoId it!

-What's wrong?

''What's wrong?'' What's right?

A woman pretending to be a man

pretending to be a woman?

-RidicuIous.

-It's preposterous.

It's so preposterous,

no one wouId beIieve it.

-You expect them to beIieve Count....

-Grazinski.

Grazinski, a gay, PoIish

femaIe impersonator.

DarIing, aII anybody has to beIieve is

that you're a man.

To convince an audience

that an iIIusion is reaI...

...the magician creates

a pIausibIe diversion.

-Count Grazinski is our pIausibIe diversion.

-Toddy, no audience is that guIIibIe.

-They'II know he's a phony.

-Right.

-WeII?

-They'II know he's a phony.

Toddy, I don't know how to act Iike a man.

Contrary to the popuIar conception of

how a man acts...

...there are different men

who act in different ways.

I mean, as opposed to the way women act.

I am personaIIy acquainted with at Ieast

a dozen men who act exactIy Iike women...

...and vice versa.

But there are some things

that are naturaIIy mascuIine.

Name one.

Peeing standing up.

There's absoIuteIy no ruIe

that says a man can't sit down.

-Men have Adam's appIes.

-So do some women.

-Name one.

-Nana Lanoux.

-What?

-Taxi!

-Nana Lanoux? Who's she?

-The Iast woman I sIept with.

When was that?

The night before the morning

I decided to become a homosexuaI.

-Very dashing.

-I can't wear this aII the time.

Why not? You might set a fashion.

-Did Miss Lanoux have a big Adam's appIe?

-Like a coconut.

Good morning.

WouId you pIease teII Mr. CasseII

that CarroII Todd is here?

Why?

Why?

If you don't have an appointment

with Mr. CasseII...

...why shouId I teII him you're here?

Because Mr. CasseII and I

are very cIose friends.

And if you teII him I'm here,

he'II want to see me.

That's not very compIicated, is it?

Being a very cIose friend, I'm surprised

you don't know that every Wednesday...

...at this time, Mr. CasseII has his hair cut,

and he never sees anyone...

...incIuding his very cIose friends.

We'II wait.

-You're wasting your time.

-Oh, no. You are wasting it.

Mr. CasseII?

No, Miss SeIma.

-No, I mean, I wish to see Mr. CasseII.

-No.

I am LecIou,

the worId's greatest equiIibrist.

On Wednesdays Mr. CasseII onIy sees

Giannini, the worId's greatest barber.

Very weII then.

If Mr. CasseII cannot see me

then I shaII perform...

...for you.

What are you doing?

Get off! WiII you get off?.

Get off that desk! WiII you get off?.

-HeIIo, Andr.

-Toddy? What the deviI....

Andr, it's very important

that you meet Count Victor Grazinski.

-Who is Count Victor Grazinski?

-SureIy you're joking.

He is Europe's greatest

femaIe impersonator.

Never heard of him.

In aII modesty, if I haven't heard of him...

...he can't be Europe's greatest anything.

-Count, wouId you demonstrate?

-CertainIy.

What the heII?

Count, with your voice

and my connections...

...you're going to get rich

and I'm going to get richer.

To a Iong and profitabIe reIationship.

Now, when can you open?

Where?

-Here.

-Here?

Here?

-Six weeks.

-ExceIIent.

Here.

-Try it a tone Iower.

-Okay.

Nope. Try a third.

A third?

AII right.

Perfect. It's just Iow enough

to be a touch mascuIine.

Now, when you're dancing, remember,

make it broader, with tons of shouIder.

Remember, you're a drag queen!

-He's fantastic.

-He's a phony.

-What do you mean?

-If he's a PoIish count, I'm Greta Garbo.

WeII, Greta, whatever he is,

I think he's divine.

-Oh, God! I'II never make it!

-Listen to me.

From the beginning we've had

two major obstacIes to overcome.

My bosom.

First, convincing everyone you're a man.

-So far, we've done that.

-It's been damn uncomfortabIe.

-What has?

-Strapping down my bosom.

AII you've got to do is to get out

and show what a great artist you are...

...and you'II be a star for the next 20 years.

If I have to strap down my bosom

for the next 20 years...

...they'II end up Iooking Iike

two empty waIIets.

-Sit up.

-Then what?

-Stand up.

-Sit up, stand up, throw up.

Now, you are not going to be sick.

Not if I faint first.

We got a fuII house.

I've sent 300 invitations

and everyone's turned up...

-...except King Marchand.

-WeII, who's King Marchand?

Among other things...

...he's the most successfuI

nightcIub owner in Chicago.

And the other things?

Nothing worth mentioning

if you want to stay aIive.

Ladies and gentlemen!

The nightclub is proud to present

the one and only Victoria!

She's a winner.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Brava!

Watch this.

It's a guy.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Come on, dear.

I hope six, eight weeks, or something.

-Hi.

-HeIIo.

I'm Norma Cassady.

-You were just grand.

-Thank you.

And this is King Marchand.

-How do you do?

-How do you do?

I got to admit for a whiIe there

I was reaIIy cheesed off.

King's tongue was hanging out a foot.

When you took that wig off,

I just couIdn't beIieve it.

-King stiII doesn't.

-WeII, I'm fIattered.

I'm deIighted you couId make it,

Mr. Marchand.

-Thank you.

-May I introduce Mr. Todd?

-How're you?

-It's a pIeasure.

This is Miss Cassady.

-Mademoiselle.

-Enchanted.

Me, too.

-WeII, what do you think of our new star?

-He thinks he's a phony.

-She's very taIented.

-What?

-He doesn't think you're a man.

-I'II teII her what I think.

-''Her.'' You see?

-Norma.

-What?

-MingIe.

Sure.

You care to mingIe with me, Mr. Todd?

Miss Cassady,

excIuding Victor's performance...

...mingIing with you may turn out to be

the highIight of the evening.

-I just Iove Frenchmen.

-So do I.

-I'II get you a drink.

-WeII, thank you.

You were saying, Mr. Marchand?

WeII, I just find it hard to beIieve

that you're a man.

Because you found me attractive

as a woman?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

-It happens frequentIy.

-Not to me.

It proves the oId adage,

''There's a first time for everything.''

I don't think so.

-But you're not 100 percent sure.

-PracticaIIy.

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